Bitter Sweet Symphony

'I hate my life, everything in India was so perfect. I left that for what? More money, comfortable life, what else?'..I did not know how to react. I had to wait for my friend to finish up before I said anything. It was just the both of us and I knew I had to handle this carefully.

Tears rolling, face full of frustration and words of anger. This was certainly not a case of failure. Let's call the person 'X'. I used to admire X's life, way too classier than mine. I never expected this to happen. X and breakdown - Never!!

For a moment, I began thinking about my life. I too miss being in India. I am missing the perfect set of friends I had there too. I miss them badly. It takes a moment to 'crack down' and it takes a moment to 'collect all the pieces and get up again'. Just that these moments never come together.

What if I would have been in India? Life would have not been the same, same thing about friends. Full time job is no 'Engineering college'. If loneliness has to strike you, it will strike you on the busiest street in the world. My friend knows all of this. Getting into trouble and coming out of it was nothing new for X but today was a different day.

What do I do, reach for the phone, call someone, talk to parents. But broadcasting would have done more harm than good. Nobody wants the ugly part of their life to be known to others. As I was thinking all of this, I realized that I had missed the last 5 sentences that 'X' had said. But I could sense that they were on the lines of 'How messed up my life is' types. You feel sad sometimes when people lose courage. It's not bad to fall into deep pit, it's bad if you lose the confidence that you'll come out of it.

I was thinking about things that could cheer 'X' up; trying to remember the things that cheered me up during my 'lows'. Once I had viral fever and I had to sit home all week while everyone else was off to the University. Made me homesick. My mom would have taken special care of me had I been back home. That day, 'a totally unexpected friend' made hot soup for me. That soup simply made my day and took away the homesickness.

I had no time to make food. I remembered about the 'Dairy Milk' chocolate in my pocket. It came from the parcel that dad had sent me from India. I had reserved it for someone's birthday that night. It was the right time to take that out. Yes it worked...I wonder how 'Dairy Milk' did the trick. Life's like that, 20 rupees is all you need to get out of shit! Dad send me more Dairy Milk, 'kuch meetha ho jaaye'.

Smooth Transitions

For some reasons, transitions have been super smooth for me. Be it from School to Junior College, College to Engineering, Engineering to MS.

Somehow, the 'firsts' of everything have been near perfect. The start of something new. The time when people around you run with all the 'Goody-Goody' projection of themselves. In a couple of months, the make-up fades and you see the real faces.

The last hop of the transition till now has been 'The most interesting one'. Coming to US, everything is new. You are away from everything, the perfect set of friends you had back at home in India, your parents, your family everyone. In the first month of landing in US, you have a hundred different stories happening around you. The job search stories, house hunt stories, roommate trouble stories, rumors et al.

Basically you are loaded with too much stuff to keep it to yourself. You are on the lookout for new avenues to vent out these stories. Damn!!!You run into the wrong person and your story is a broadcast in the entire batch. Trust, who, what, when???

The 'Trust Building' period is amazing. Here, you are not too sure about the people who you can trust. At the same time, you are projecting yourself as a trustworthy person. It's tricky. If you reveal too much about yourself, you are more likely to land in trouble than adding a new friend to circle of trust. On the other hand, if you remain that person who holds on to their cards for long, you might remain holding on to them forever and watch other people play.

I use some really stupid but effective tricks for navigating around this maze. I use some really 'trivial information (hyped up, of course) which I absolutely do not care about' and tell the 'Target' person about it and ask him or her to not reveal it to anyone.If I come to know about it from someone else within a week, i know what to do!

The beginning is always interesting, you remember it at all the twists and turns. Now, when I am right there knocking at the exit door of MS, everything has pretty much stabilized. The glass is clear. I miss those times. I see the juniors revisiting these times and I really want to be one of them right. Or wait a second, do I?? When I get a job, it will be another set of beginnings that I'll look forward to.

Looking for yet another smooth transition.

Blog Spot

I was browsing through my blogs yesterday. Reminded me of the beginning; 3 and a half years rewind. Feels like just a few days have passed between now and then. I’d never thought I would complete 10 posts and now here comes number 75.

Blogging means a lot to me now. It is a big part of my life. No matter how busy you get in life, you would always find the time for the things you really like. Blogging is one such thing for me. I know I am not one of those artistic writers who would come up with masterpieces from time to time; neither do I have good story-telling skills. I have come across much better writers and I really like reading their blogs. Their blogs are a pleasure to read.

I like this place! Facebook will take over Orkut, tomorrow Google plus might throw away Facebook, people may lose their interest in twitter, but for me Blogspot will always be there. At times I had thought about shifting to Wordpress. It is much better than blogspot, much simpler to handle, more powerful tools. But given a second thought, do these things really matter? The content is the only things that really matter and counts for me and that wouldn’t change with the change in platform. I could do a hundred things on my blog, visitor counter, maps, an application for chat, but I prefer it to be simple, just plain writing.

I am not here to monetize or make new friends out there, write popular stuff and publish through the internet, connect through Facebook and all. I am glad that few people out there read my blog. I am happy when I see a friend or a stranger commenting or hearing from people that they read my blog and liked it or otherwise. Yet, that’s not the only thing that keeps me going.

I have nothing against Facebook and Twitter, but most of the things that I like to say cannot be really said in one or two lines. It simply does not work that way for me. For a person like me who likes to analyze things and go into the depth of it, blogging is the perfect outlet. It’s not a place where you would get 15 likes and 25 comments for cracking a joke.

The real question is do you really want it to be popular? I believe I can write more freely knowing that not many people are reading. I’m glad this does not reach out to the people whose only contribution in my life is a Happy Birthday on my wall once a year. I write for myself more than anyone else and I know I’m going to last long. Never had a writer’s block till now and I believe I would never have it ever.

To all the people who have read my blog : ‘A big thank you! Any feedback is welcome.’ I’ll continue reading other blogs too and commenting on the ones that I like. 

Summer @ Maryland

This summer has been brilliant so far for me. I like what I am doing. I am hopping between being a Web Developer during daytime and a ‘Risk Analysis’ tutoring assistant in the evening; both at the Business School. The school has been my home for the summer!

I’ve enjoyed the challenges I’ve faced at both my jobs. In particular, tutoring has been a great experience so far. Being at the other end of the class, facing the audience, it’s so different! 

I am taking a class on ‘Risk Analysis’ which is a Subject for Executive MBA at the Business School at University of Maryland. I teach an extremely talented group of MBA people who are at least 10 years elder to me, in some cases about 20. They are well established in their respective industries.

I like their approach. They know exactly what they are here for. They are here to learn more things rather than get good grades. Everyone is secure in their own field, well settled! The atmosphere is pretty much non-competitive, pretty much helpful. Just like the good old school days…and then life started becoming a ‘Race’.

It’s great to see a class full of ideas. Intriguing conversation about the simplest of the problems; it’s just the way you look at things make the difference! I remember when I took this class; little did I know there is so much to this subject. ‘Risk Analysis’ can never be taught in a classroom. The real life stories paint a beautiful canvas themselves. 

Listening to success stories of people from different fields feels fantastic. These people, when they look back, were not necessarily the brightest from their colleges or did not get the ‘Best Deal’ for the first time they tried. But all of them had great patience to climb the ladder. They knew how to grab the right opportunity at the right time.

I've learnt some new things here. A few of my students live as far as New Jersey which is more than 3 hours by car. So, it's inconvenient for them to travel all this distance and attend the class. So, I started a series of Web Seminars on WebEx. This WebEx software simply rocks, CISCO has done a great work! I was shit scared to use the software for the first time. 10 people on the conference and I'm the only one speaking. Web Seminars give you a feeling of TV reporter, you keep talking and hope that the audience grasp it! But at the end of first seminar when I un-muted each of the participant for any questions, then I'd realized that I had done a pretty god job. You will always cherish the first time, and if you are the host and the speaker both, you certainly will!

Apart from this, I sometimes get a chance to have free dinner in expensive restaurants, get dropped back home in a different car every-time. May get a chance to visit some companies and get a tour of them. Who knows, one of my students may end up giving me a full time job too and save me the trouble of hunting for one. 

Knowing all this, I know this is the easier way and also that there is a tougher way! Both will lead me to the same place. If not now, some fine day. Life is never like those GPS machines where you key in the address and follow the directions. It’s a joyride where you should stop whenever you feel like, admire, enjoy and keep going.

I’ll quote one of the sentence from my friend Gaurav’s blog!

“Life is not a race…So let the winning part be for those who think it is”

The Delay Connect

Delays are almost always frustrating and the waiting time is...Well lets just say 'waste of time'. A few rare occasions where this delay was pleasant!

I recently called up my distant cousin, we were on the phone for like half an hour. At the time when the conversation was almost about to shut, he said that around a month back, he had become a father. The news took almost 1 month to reach me, I don't know how it lost in transit every-time, but I was so happy for him. 

He told me a story about another such pleasant delay. Back in August 1947 when India got independence, it was the monsoon season. So all the ships to Lakshwadeep Islands were disfunctional and the Island was basically isolated. After almost a month and half, the first ship reached Lakshwadeep passing the message that India had become independent. How important that message was!

This reminded me of another story. In 1987, my father was travelling to Kenya. At that time it was considered to be an 'unsafe' African country. He had no money to buy a camera back then and Instant photo was not an option in Kenya. So he approached a photographer in front of Jomo Kenyatta who said that in one month he would send the photograph to India through mail. My dad paid him a large sum of money and realized that he got duped! Six months gone and no photo. After one year and one month, he got a parcel delivered through post which had plethora of stamps on it which consisted of names of all seaports in Arabia, Africa and Mumbai. There was the photo and that's what you call snail mail. 

I like to call this 'The Delay Connect'...

Memory Lanes

It's been quite a while since i've had a nice face to face discussion with someone that lasted more than 15 minutes. It's not that I don't have the time to or people around me are too busy. It's just that they are too involved in their relationship with the laptop and their affair with mobile messengers.

Just about an year ago, I was waiting in college after classes having discussions in the quadrangle without realizing how hours flew by. 'Rewind button-where are you?'

I do not remember playing a serious game of cards for a long time. Half the attention goes into the facebook chat in your laptop and half into the cards. How badly I am longing for that one serious game of 'Black Queen' with my college friends. Just once.

It has been more than a semester since I've had a night-out that did not involve studying. Walking down the road and accidently meeting a long lost friend is an impossible event. Accidently getting a call from an old friend is also extremely rare. In India, walking with friends near an expensive restaurant we wished that we had the money to get in and have whatever we want. Now that the money is there, the friends go missing!

The conversations are missing. I know this is just the beginning of the road. Once I begin to work for some corporate company, life is going to be more miserable. But I never thought college life to be like this. I believe hobbies are made for times like these. My Guitar has become one of my closest friend. I am really not the kind of person who would have friends whose names like 'Facebook', "Gtalk', 'Whats app', 'BBM' et all. I feel that chatting is a complete waste of time, but that's just my opinion.

I am not some anti-social facebook hater. I sometimes do cling to these things. Just that I give them a secondary preference. If I am on my laptop doing timepass and see the person next to me getting bored, I will definately shut the thing I am doing and talk to that person. This is because I know what it feels being on the other side. It feels great to have a listener sometimes!

This little blog is my place for blabbering. I do not care if there are no viewers or no comments, it just feels so good venting out.

'Live in the moment', 'Enjoy whatever you are doing now' are phrases so true, but sometimes the past is just too golden to not think about and let go.  

A closure

The phone was ringing on a busy day. The number looked familiar, but not on the contact list. My mind wandered through the memory lanes thinking about the number.

Picking up the phone would have meant reopening a closed chapter of my life. I wasn't sure what to do. Three long years of no talking and suddenly, out of the blue you get a call. What could it be about? Why now? Where were you for so long? Are you gonna ask me any favour?

Too many questions revolving in a short period of time. The phone stops ringing. The mind is still thinking....what could it be? Is the other person in some real trouble. Has she realized about her mistake and called for giving an apology. Should I call back? The number was very much familiar, brought in a lot of memories.

Getting back some of the good friends you have lost is not such a bad idea afterall. Or maybe I am thinking a bit too much, maybe she just called to ask me a favour. Let me give a missed call atleast. No, wait, let me wait for a while if I get another call.

It's been a year since I missed that call. I never got a call again from that number. I never bothered calling, why am I such a bad person? Why are 'closures' very rigid and harsh with me, I will never know.

Today, I happened to login to one of my oldest email id's. I don't know why I did that. It's an Indiatimes email id and I am pretty sure nodoby has an email Id on that website now. But my mailbox didn't expire(probably because their server got no new email requests and kept mine alive). I saw a mail that read, 'Sanket, I just called to wish you good luck for your US trip and further studies. Have fun, stay in touch, Njoi'.

This time, I replied instantly. I picked up the phone and dialled a number, a tring and a hello.

Some closures are just temporary.

Socializing

Two words to describe me right now are 'I'm confused'. Confused regarding a lot of things.

I used to consider myself as a very social person. I Liked being around people. Did a lot of things to get everyone together. Stimulated many a conversation in a dull lit room filled with people. On the other hand, I also did many things to run away from people. Avoiding a few trips with friends, running away from social parties, sitting alone in a room filled with joyous people chatting all around on interesting topics. Sometimes you would just see me in the corner of the room sitting alone and wonder, this person, social, seriously?

When I think about this more, I ask myself, If I come to Mumbai for say 3 days, what would I like to do. Call everyone and say I am coming, meet the maximum number of friends that I can. Relieve the good old times. Or would I like to not inform everyone and meet only the closest ones. The ones who matter to me the most. Both ideas sound equally good, the second slightly better than the first.

Is this wierd? Does this happen to everyone? Oh crap, I'm so confused! This birthday, I was surrounded with a lot of people, cutting a big cake, gifts, party everything that too a couple of days before the exam. Everything that is needed to make it a good day was there. But, somehow I missed one thing that I did every birthday. I missed having one good lenthy conversation that I have every year. The person keeps on changing, but that thing remains.

First semester in US I was hanging around in a group of 12 people. Now there are 7, nobody knows the number next semeter and thereafter, but 12 is a seriously big number. When I look back, i seriously miss those days, but numbers like 12 don't really work for long. Nothing more than 4 can be called as 'ideal' is what i feel.

On trips, I seriously like to be with fewer people. I agree with many people you can have lot of activities. Games like Mafia, Antakshari, Cards, cricket, football, parties and many more things. But at some point where you reach a stage and ask yourself that do you really want to make it a school trip or an IV.

I wish to make that one good trip with not more than 5 friends and a Guitar, doesn't matter if it's only for 2 days. Location, no problem. I wish to cut out from the rest of the world for those 2 days. No phone, no chatting, no internet.

Life has a different color everyday. One day you might love to be alone and listen to a wonderful song. Next day, you would like someone to sing a good song for you. The day after you would sing it with the closest of friends. After that you would listen to that song with all your colleagues. Each time you would love it! For entirely different reasons!

Home Away from Home

It has been around 8 months since I’ve come to US; still the feeling of living in a different country has not totally sunk in. It still feels like being in India.

I thought eating Indian food will give you that nice ‘Reminds me of India’ feeling. But again, due to lack of rarity, that feeling doesn’t exist anymore. I am having ‘Paneer Paratha’ almost every second day; rotis and Indian vegetables everyday; rice and varieties (Puloa, Jeera Rice, Biryani, Tamarind Rice and all) with good frequency. Chai is there. You can even have the ‘Masala Pan’ here at a reasonable price.

The restaurants we often visit are Indian/Mexican/Arabic/Pakistani restaurants which serve food which comes very close to Indian food. Krazy Kebob was playing ‘Aatif Aslam’ songs the last time we went there. At any moment, one of my roomies puts on a Hindi song on You Tube. We have watched Hindi movies here in theatres as well as online. Today, we even got a chance to attend a Kailash Kher concert at Kennedy Centre. It was great to see such a large crowd turn up. I listened to foreign secretary Nirupama Rao speak at the Indian embassy.

There are lots of Indians to talk to around; lots of Indians in my courses too! India calling rates are cheaper than my local Vodafone calling rates in India. So, people back home are just a phone call away. My mom speaks to me more often now than when I was in Mumbai. Internet is on 24 hours, in bus, in college at home, in cafes, on the phones, so skype, facebook chat, g-talk makes you feel like home (although you’ll rarely ever see me on those!).

We celebrate every Indian festival. I had Sabudana Khichadi on Shiv Jayanti, Sheera in Diwali, Ganpati Aarti during Ganesh Jayanti, Garba and Dandiya dance in college, Holi is coming. I have followed cricket more in US than I did in India.

I had been in India in December and now there is no burning desire as such to go to India any sooner. This is a mini-India in itself. When I was packing my bags to go back to US again after my India trip, I was carrying a bag full of Indian food items. These things lasted for a while. Homemade food again!

Sometimes, I feel this is not the way to go. One of these days, I am going to live life differently. I am not going to start my day with ‘Aloo Patty’ and Bournvita. I am going to try different things. I am going to visit a local store or small market and buy from there. I am going to eat American food in an American restaurant (They say it’s bland…let’s taste what bland looks like!). I am going to keep my India calling off for a week (Not now, someday!). I am going to roam around the Museums and learn a few bits of history. I am going to go on a hike, going to rent a bike! Listen to some random concert, watch a live opera.

After doing those things, I’d really like to say, ‘Now, I’m missing India!’

New Semester...new beginnings

A lot has changed since my one month break in India. Life in US has taken a 360 Degree shift. Things around have changed a lot. 

Happiness is a funny thing. Last semester, I had a wonderful time, great friends around. Everything around just seemed perfect. We rocked the place. But somehow at the back of my mind, I had this feeling that life was becoming a big mess.

Enjoying the good times, I was ignorant about many things in life which weren't in the right place. It's like any sport. If you keep winning, you sometimes ignore the mistakes you are making.
After India trip, a lot has changed. Things around are not the same as they used to be. But, despite a big pile of mess around, I feel that my life is much more sorted.I feel that I am more happier than ever before. For now, I know exactly where I am heading. I know that the tangled part of my life is slowly getting sorted. I see a big pile of garbage lying around me, but I have no time to look at it. I walk past it and move on.

Sometimes Happiness comes from within and not things around you.

If everyday seems like a weekend, the actual 'weekend' loses it's value. Weekend has it's value after a tiring week. It gives you more fun if you've earned it! As life is getting busier, the courses getting tougher, there is no time to look at the mess around. Actually, there is very little time left for yourself too. I cherish this little time that I have and try to make the best use of it. 

Few months back, I had a lot of spare time and fewer friends to talk to. Now I have little time and lots of people around.

I love this life. When I look back, I've been happier during the busier times. That's when I have done the most substantial things.

A Burday Tale

There have been many a planned birthday parties....but this unplanned set of events before a friend's birthday were one of the most interesting in quite a while now.
 
Day before birthday:

11:02 pm:Returning from some other Birthday party treat, Saki Naka
 
11:10 pm:Let's eat Ice-Cream at Amul's JB Nagar
 
11:30 pm: In Front of Amul Ice Cream JB Nagar...Arre plan change, have to drop someone at her house
 
11.40 pm: Teaching the Birthday girl how to ride a bike
 
11.50 pm: Everyone walking towards Main Road, me and my friend on a bike ride, 'discussing life' 
 
11.51 pm: Arre Dude, Lets Bring a cake! Kya Bolta hai...
    Arre Par Bada Party toh Kal Dopahar ko hai nai, 'Surprise Wala'
    Aur Ek Cheez, Fact of life, Nearest Cake Shop, Merwans Andheri -25 Minutes, Powai 30 Minutes. Middle of Nowhere

Dude.

11.52 pm:Chal Round Marte Hai, Amul Shop ke Aaspass Kuch Khula Rahega to....Nahi toh Ice-Cream layenge, Ice-Cream Birthday.

11.53 pm: Friend Calls, kaha gayab ho gaye tum log.
Arre Bike thok diya maine, Do minute lagega ruk aate hai.

11.54 pm: Amul Shop, Just closing, No luck...Arre Saamne Hi Baskin Robbins Hai. Sahi.
Baskin Robbins...No Pastries.

11.55 pm: Samne wale General Shop Mein Cadbury lete hai(tradition) General Shop is half shutter down at this moment. One more friend calls, 'Baad mein phone karta hoon'

30 seconds later, Are yaha plum cake bhi hai, Utha lete hai.
Picked up a Dairy milk.

11.56 pm: Someone tells Baju wale Ice-Cream Shop mein cake milta hai.
Run to Ice-Cream Shop. No Normal cake available. Ice Cream Cake is there. 
Chalega, Ice-Cream cake. Flavour Doesn't matter.
Cake 15 minutes mein pighal jayega.....(15 minute kiske paas hain!)
Kaatega Kaise....
Do Chammach Utha ice cream ke...

11.57 pm: Phone:'Arre tum log kaha ho?, ham aa rahe hai'
Axis Bank Ke Samne. Aaja.
Phone Cut
Where the heck is Axis bank? Arre, yahi kahi hoga re, tu chal.

11.58 pm: Police Stops bike.
'Licence Dikhao'
I am searching for license hoping that I am carrying it!
'Kidhar ja rahe ho'
'Friend Cha Birthday aahe, Ithech Challo ahot'
'Ja'..

11.59 pm: Woh dekh saamne Axis Bank hai. Apne Punter log udhar hi hai.

12.00 am: Happy Birthday to you!

A few more things.

Number 1:The Cake was the best I have had in a very long time. Tired of 'Oreo Cake' in US and 'Black Forest' in Mumbai, this was something new.
Number 2: It was Vanilla Ice-Cream in centre surrounded by Chocolate at both end. It was terribly delicious. 8 people almost finished the entire 1 kg cake in no time.
Number 3: No Knife, just hath maarke, Engineering days rewinded.
Number 4: The cake was freezing cold in a Box of thermocol that said, "happy birthday - bhai' in crude handwriting....

Something different, something new, something memorable.

PS: Buy an Ice-cream cake whoever hasn't had it. It is great!